Suicide Loss: What to Say & How to Cope
Three Ways to Answer Questions About Death By Suicide
When someone dies, people want to be supportive of you.
They may even, to some degree, be feeling some of the emotions you might be experiencing… disbelief, numbness, guilt, anger, despondency, sadness, or confusion.
Those same people who want to be supportive often find themselves wondering what they should say. Some people end up saying nothing at all, others simply listen, and some may ask you questions. It can be complicated.
When someone dies by suicide... it can get even more complicated. First, when someone ends their life, you may not only experience emotions that usually occur with grief and loss, but you may also experience trauma reactions. Second, death by suicide is often stigmatized. Therefore, you may experience other feelings, such as embarrassment or shame. This means that interaction with others can also become more complicated.
Often, it goes like this…
You: “_________ (example: my father, my sister, my friend, my partner) has died.”
Other Person: “I’m so sorry! (uncomfortable pause) How did they die?”
Or maybe like this…
You: “_________ (example: my father, my sister, my friend, my partner) has died.”
Other Person: “I’m so sorry! (uncomfortable pause) Were they sick?”
So, how do you respond to these kinds of questions? Here are three tips to help you respond to questions about a death by suicide:
#1: Don’t Answer The Question
IF You want, you can plan to discuss it at another time.
You are NOT obligated to answer anyone’s questions. Period. It doesn’t matter if the person is your supervisor, your neighbor, or even your partner. It doesn’t matter if they seem upset or if they genuinely care or want to help. Here are some things you can say…
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“This isn’t a good time for me.”
“I appreciate your support. Thank you.” (you don’t have to make them comfortable)
“That’s kind of you. Right now, I’m focusing on ______”
“That is thoughtful. The most important or helpful thing to me right now is ________.”
“I appreciate your support. It’s tough for me to talk right now or get into details. Maybe later.”
#2. Answer It, In Part or In Whole
You can tell them as much or as little as you like. Some options…
“They had an invisible disability/illness.”
“They died due to mental illness.”
“They died by suicide.”
“They died unexpectedly.”
“They were sick for a while now.”
“They had a chronic illness.”
#3: Share Your Emotions About The Question and/or Tell Them How They Can Support You
You can tell them how you feel in response to their question. Some options…
“I noticed many people ask about that, but I find it more helpful to talk about my good memories with them.”
“These kinds of questions are upsetting.”
#4: Bonus Coping Tip: Self-Care
Be aware that no matter what people ask or how people ask, you may still find yourself experiencing surprising emotions… such as anger toward the person asking.
Remind yourself that this is normal under these circumstances and then be sure to prioritize self-care. Self-care could mean talking about it with your closest friend, writing about it, or even just taking a shower or having a nutritious meal.
TAKE AWAY
The bottom line is that this is likely to be a very tough time for you.
Since concentrating or even coming up with words can be extra difficult, my hope is that some of these examples are of help to you as you navigate this loss.
You may even find this blog and these tips to be upsetting. If you start to have thoughts about harming yourself or others, please seek help from a close friend or family member, a professional, or a crisis hotline.
Thank you for reading. Let us know if you find these tips helpful. If so, would you mind sharing with your friends on social media?
Checkout this list of additional resources/links here.
Wishing you comfort,
Dr. J