The Challenge: Figuring Out Who Writes and Who Delivers the Eulogy

The topic of who writes the eulogy and who gives the eulogy is often confusing for family members and friends. The deceased may have a partner, best or close friends, children, parents, siblings, extended family, business partners, colleagues, community members, and others that knew the deceased well or had a close relationship with the deceased. The death of a loved one is often a time of high stress, high emotionality, overwhelm with planning and coordinating, limited time, and difficulty concentrating. Deciding on the eulogy details can become stressful. Below are some tips to help you and/or the deceased’s loved ones make some decisions about the eulogy.

Tip 1: Think Flexibly About the Eulogy

If you are the person who writes the eulogy and you haven’t written a eulogy before, you may be worried about doing the wrong things or making a mistake. You may also really want the experience to be meaningful. Consider thinking flexibly about the eulogy process and what it will look like. Take into account the deceased’s preferences or style. You can learn a bit about the eulogy process online but be flexible about it. It’s okay to do things your own way. There is no right or wrong when it comes to the person who writes the eulogy.

In general, there are no “rules” or one specific way of going about the eulogy process (unless your religious/spiritual organization or community has specific rules - find out if they do so you can plan).

Tip 2: Break Down the Eulogy

The first is the writing of the eulogy. The second is the giving or delivering of the eulogy. While most people often think of the eulogy process as one single activity, it is exactly that… a process. This means that it can be broken down into smaller pieces to make it more manageable. Why is this part of figuring out who should write or give the eulogy? Read on to find out.

You can break down the eulogy into two separate components or activities.

Tip 3: Explore Who Might Be Interested in Being Part of the Eulogy Process

Explore and take an honest inventory of who has the time and emotional energy to coordinate the writing and delivery of the eulogy.

The truth is that having one person do all of the planning and funeral arrangements can become overwhelming. If possible, divide up the various tasks associated with the planning of the funeral or other arrangements, including the eulogy. 

Tip 4: Decide on Who Will be Involved in the Eulogy Process & Review Options

Don’t worry if more than one person wants to be involved. There are options. This is why breaking down the eulogy into two components (writing and reading) can be so important.

If more than one person is interested, consider whether one person might be best to write the eulogy, while another reads the eulogy. This often works well when one person doesn’t feel comfortable with public speaking or does not think they will be able to get through reading the eulogy due to their grief experience. Again, there is no right or wrong way to do this. 

When considering who will do what, take into consideration people’s strengths. Maybe someone is a gifted writer and while not the deceased’s immediate family, they may be able to meaningfully capture the family’s heartfelt memories. Perhaps someone is a powerful speaker and will do a great job at engaging the audience. On the other hand, if someone doesn’t feel particularly gifted in either of those areas, they can write and deliver the eulogy too. Remember, tip #1 - think flexibly.

Alternatively, consider whether having more than one eulogy is something you’d all be comfortable with. If several people express interest, you can also have a main writer and reassure others that their contributions will be gathered. In fact, we at The Gift of Eulogy, are working on something special to help families and friends write a beautiful and heartfelt eulogy with as little stress as possible - stay tuned and share.

Tip 5: Collaboration & Consultation

For example, if the writer plans to use a professional eulogy writer, they may wish to discuss with others. Or, if several people want to contribute, the writer may wish to come up with a plan/agreement for how they will gather the information. You will want to have a backup plan for the eulogy reader. Sometimes a reader may suddenly not feel they can get through it. It’s a good idea to have a backup plan. 

Make sure everyone agrees with the eulogy plan and collaborate to make sure you have a backup.

BONUS TIP: Focus on the Goal - Paying Tribute to the Deceased

Things may come up that can serve to distract or upset during this process. This is to be expected. Be sure to refocus when this happens. You can do so by simply reminding yourself of the goal and of Tip #1 - Think Flexibly.

If this content on who should write and who should give the eulogy helped you in any way, please share with someone who might need it. Before you go, be sure and grab your FREE Fill In The Blank Eulogy Template.

Wishing you comfort.